You should really think about keeping me around (Day 23)

I am beginning to think that I am concentrating too much on the prospect of getting a job.

Every time someone says something nice to me at work, or compliments me on a job well done, it’s like I want to remind them that my services are for a limited time only and they should really think about keeping me around.

All I’ve been thinking about is what I’m going to be left with when I’m done. I keep going through the possibility of having a job with Baseball America in my mind, but I know that it’s not something I can count on. I have done the best work that I possibly can as an intern, and will continue to do so for the rest of my time here, but I want the chance to do the best job I can as an employee.

I’ve realized that I talk about the possibility of having a job, or the possibility of not ever being employed, far too much. I hate that my future is so uncertain, but I feel like no matter what I do, it might always come back to this point.

When I thought law school was going to be the path for me, and I heard that I had only made it to the waiting list, I was lost. I knew there was a possibility of not being able to do what I had wanted to do for the majority of my life, but I didn’t know where that left me. My future was up in the air, and I went searching for something to do in the meantime.

So I completed another round of schooling and now I feel like I am back at that same place. I have furthered my education as far as I would like it to go for now, and I still don’t see certainty in my immediate future. I’m lost again.

No one tells you that this is what life is going to be like, or that when you’re done school, no matter how much you might go through, you still might not have any clue what lies ahead. No one warns you that school isn’t really the answer to all of your problems. Most of what I heard was the opposite.

Hopefully I’ve gotten smarter with all of the time I’ve spent in school, because I need to have something solid to take away from it. I do feel like I have learned more in the last year than in the five years I spent at university. I’ve been able to get practical experience not only in the classroom, but also in several workplaces. And working for organizations like the Blue Jays, Argonauts and BA have been just a great old time, too.

But feeling better about my education hasn’t really gotten me closer to full-time employment. I am living on dreams and wishes, and those are not going to feed me forever. Right now I am just hoping that someone will see the asset I could be to their organization and take me on. I know there are more factors to it than that though.

For instance, if BA wanted to take me on, they would have to sponsor my work visa and go through a lot of paperwork, which can be a hassle for anyone. Being Canadian doesn’t seem to be making things easier for me in the baseball world. I suppose it is America’s favourite pastime. They would also have to have enough money in the budget to take on a new employee, because I don’t want to work for free anymore, and they haven’t really lost anyone, not that I’ve heard about, so I don’t know how feasible any of this is.

I would love for a major league team to take me on, but anyone outside of the Blue Jays would have to jump through the same hoops that BA would with immigration, and they would really have to want to take a chance on me in order to do that.

I wish Toronto would offer me a better position, but I think they are happy having me where I was last year, and I haven’t found a way to show them how much more I truly have to offer. They might realize once I’m gone, but I can only leave the position there if I have something more permanent elsewhere and I don’t know how likely that is.

Not only do I think about my future employment far too much, but I have been talking about it more than I would like. I spoke to Nicole for a really long time on our American phones tonight and a lot of our conversation revolved around the uncertainty of our futures.

We also gave significant time to talking about how great the program was though, in terms of the relationships we made with people. I talk to Nicole more than many of my friends I’ve known all my life, and I haven’t even known her for a year. I now live in an apartment with one of my friends from our class, in a building with another guy from school, and I didn’t know either of them a year ago either.

I think some of the relationships I’ve built in the last year will be longstanding, and significant in my life. I have no doubt that I have met some great people and despite the uncertainty right now, they will have great futures. Maybe I can just wait until they have awesome jobs and then make them hire me.

But I’ve said it before and I will say it again. My life has been changed more than I ever could have imagined over just the last year or so. I never would have guessed that I would be where I am now, with the experiences that I have been able to have in recent months. And I think it’s all for the better. I hope it is.

I woke up this morning in North Carolina. I’m here because of Baseball America, and I am working for BA because of my graduate studies. A year ago, I was still trying to think of ways to get into law school, and how long it might be until I could make it happen. I watched the Jays on TV and from the stands at various ballparks, not from the press box. I worked at a court house and felt that I belonged there. Now I know I belong at a ball park.

Outside of thinking about my future all day long, I wasn’t very productive today. I woke up pretty early and found a channel with movies running for the duration of the day. I finished painting the Christmas presents I started for my cousins, and started working on something for my mom. I suppose I could consider that pretty productive, because I do feel like I got a lot done for each of them. I just didn’t get anything done for BA, and I didn’t get out for any exercise, so I felt like my level of production was lacking.

I only left the apartment to go tanning, and that was pretty much just to get out of the place. I wanted to head out for a long run today, but I just wasn’t feeling well enough. My legs didn’t feel great and I have just been feeling tired for the last couple of days. There is no real reason for it because I know I am getting plenty of rest, and I don’t feel sick otherwise, but I am hoping it goes away soon.

But today was a good day of painting, movie-watching and talking to Nicole. It was only slightly ruined by the thoughts of my future. Maybe something great will come along and I will laugh at the days my thoughts were encompassed by uncertainty.

I’m hoping for that. Sooner than later.